This is a summary of the parenting seminar given by Colleen Hirst on 4th Nov 2015 on the topic of 'Internet Addiction'.

The internet can be great, but it can take over our time. This is especially true given the effect of ‘doubling’.
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‘Doubling’ is the phenomena of information growth. It comes in the form of news, texts, blogs, articles, web sites / web pages, emails, social media posts etc. Sociologists claim that from the year 0 AD, it took another 1,500 years for worldwide information to double. After that another 250 years, then 150 years. By WWII it only took 25 years. Now global information doubles every 1-2 years and IBM predicts that it won’t be long before worldwide information is doubling every 12 hours!

It is impossible to keep up and we are becoming internet addicts.

Colleen defined addiction as ‘a state of being enslaved to a substance or practice that is habit forming to the extent that cessation causes trauma.’ When it comes to internet addiction she says it is “an impulse control disorder. It refers to the compulsive need to spend a great deal of time on the Internet, to the point where relationships, work and health are allowed to suffer.”

Addictions often develop through a process

1. Temptation – “I’ll just check Facebook, eBay, my emails, that porn site... “
2. Yielding – “I know I shouldn’t but just a quick look and then I’ll get off / get back to work”
3. Habit – we are constantly do it, a habit is formed
4. Bondage – we become slaves to our addiction; we cannot help ourselves, it controls us
5. Stronghold – our addiction begins to ruin our lives – relationships, work, finances etc

Examples of our internet addiction include – constant checking of social media (Facebook, Instagram etc); constant checking of emails and texts; excessive online shopping; compulsive watching pornography or Youtube videos etc; compulsive online gambling, constant playing of online games (computer or phone)

Our internet addiction has wide ranging social, emotional and physical implications:

• Literacy skills are declining – we are used to skimming information, websites and search results but concentrated reading and comprehension is declining. Since 2009 there has been a 40% drop in kids ability to focus
• We’re losing the ability to connect – we are substituting face to face interaction and socialisation with online connecting and socialising. Young people are losing the capacity to live in real world; they  can't live without social media or internet
• We’re becoming more self-focused – social media tends to focus on US. It’s about the images, status updates and messages about ME that I want to world to see. Sociologists say there has been a 40% drop in empathy.
• Facebook Depression – we compare our digital lives with the glorified lives of others on social media and despair that our life is not as good. Young people are suffering severe self-esteem issues as a result – “my photo only got X amount of ‘likes’!”
• Giving young kids access to too much internet ‘wires’ their brains to think and act in particular ways and inhibits normal neurological development
• We’re becoming increasingly distracted
• Addiction has lead to death and physical illness (e.g. gamers not eating or sleeping for days)
• We’re spending increasing amounts of time together, but doing it alone. Social networking is leading to a new form of isolation

Colleen gave numerous indicators of internet addiction

1. Decreasing interest in participating in other activities
2. Continuously talking about digital devices, games etc
3. Euphoria when on devices
4. Angry, agitated, irritable, restless when digital devices are taken away
5. Using devious behaviour to obtain screen time
6. Checking, checking, checking….
7. Purchasing in-game items with real life money
8. Craving more screen time
9. Lack of awareness of time spent on the internet
10. Neglecting hygiene, chores, study, hobbies, friends, work, family, responsibilities etc

While many of us and our kids have developed unhealthy and sometimes destructive habits, Colleen assured us that we can change. Habits can be broken, new patterns can be established. However it takes time and effort. Often it takes 4 months to begin to change, and 12-18 months to break the habit and effect the change.
There is a common change cycle people go through when wanting to change

1. Pre-contemplation – not thinking about or rejecting change (“I’m okay, no issues with me”). Living in harms way
2. Contemplation – Thinking and talking about change, seeking support (“I might have a problem”). Tired of living in harms way
3. Planning – Planning what it would take to make change happen (“I need to hand over my passwords to a trusted friend”). Strategising how to move out of harms way
4. Action – Taking positive steps by putting the plan into action. (“Can you please reset my Facebook password until after exams”). Gradually moving out of harms way
5. Maintenance – Achieving positive and concrete developments with continuing and then decreasing support (“This is working. I’m feeling better”). Living out of harms way

Often during this process we will relapse and that is to be expected. Don’t give up when you relapse. We will need to go through this process between 7-10 times to break the habit and develop better patterns of internet use.

Colleen gave us a number of strategies to help develop better patterns and use of the internet

1. Check your checking – how much do you or your kids check phone, email, computer etc
2. Set time limits
3. Disconnect to reconnect – have an internet detox of 48 hrs. If you can’t, you have issues
4. Digital diet – work out what is good and healthy and stick to it

For parents, Colleen suggests:

1. Set an example – manage your own screen time
2. Be present – no digital checking when talking with family
3. Meal-times ought to be device free
4. Bedrooms ought to be device free at set times
5. Monitor kids real life vs digital friendships – are they balanced
6. Time limits for screen time
7. Gain access to their devices – know their passwords to check their use
8. Learn their technology, read app reviews

Her final comments were to say that as parents we cannot stop our kids using the internet – it is part of the world we live in. Barring them from accessing it is not the solution. What we need to do is help them to use it well. To do that we not only need to model that and be a positive example to them of how to use the internet and our phones well, be we also need to be connected to them relationally. Build relationships with your kids so they will respect you, follow you and know you have their best interests at heart when you work with them to put the right strategies in place for their mental, emotional and physical well being.

Four books that Colleen recommended are:

1. Unplugged – how to live mindfully in a digital world (Orianna Fielding)
2. Hooked on Games – The lure and cost of video game and internet addiction (Andrew P.Doan, MD, PhD with Brooke Strickland)
3. Sexts, Texts and Selfies – How to keep your children safe in the digital space (Susan McLean)
4. Internet Addiction – A Handbook and Guide to Evaluation and Treatment (Kimberly S. Young and Cristiano Nabuco de Abreu)

Here’s a brief summary of the seminar talk given by Dr Patricia Weerakoon at Church@thepeak on 23rd June 2015 on the topic of ‘Raising tweens in a sexualised world’. We were very blessed to have Dr Weerakoon speak with such wisdom, frankness and humour on this subject.

Preamble
Our kids are growing up in internet world. We can't keep kids safe by not talking about sex because the internet makes it all available whether we like it or not. And so parents need to take the initiative and teach kids to critique what they are hearing and what is being presented to them in the super-sexed, cyber culture we live in

The Teen Brain
The teenage brain is a work in progress, being modelled and formed through teen years. Everything fed into brain affects it. As tweens experience new things neurons and connective pathways in the brain is formed (like highways). The more a neurological pathways is used, the bigger and more dominant it becomes. Those connections not used are not kept. We either 'use it or lose it'.

However the judgment lobe (the part of the brain that helps a tween to make decisions) matures much slower than rest of brain. Tweens are like a volcano of emotions breaking out -  like a Ferrari on full throttle with hardly any brake! Therefore they need parents to help them, to be the brake and slow them down.

Identity and Independence
The development of the brain in the teenage years is driving them to independence. Puberty pushes tweens away from mum and dad to an identify of their own. This is a good thing but can be dangerous if moving their identity in wrong direction or  under wrong influence.

Teens want to be like others and liked by others. They want to be ‘Better than ... ‘ (comparison) or ‘More than ... ‘ (performance) than others. Therefore they are susceptible to being led in an unhelpful direction when it comes to sex, relationships and identity. Therefore parents need to provide the external control mechanism. They might have 2000 Facebook friends, but they need their parents need to guide them, not just be friends with them.

Therefore it is good for parents to know the social group they are in and influencing them. Parents need to be influencing them and telling them their identity and worth is much greater than having better ‘abs’ or ‘thigh gap’ than their friends or having more Facebook friends or Instagram likes.

Sex
Sex has become a commodity and means of self expression.

(i) The Science of Sex
Sexual desire is the testosterone powered drive from within the limbic system of our brain. It’s a non-specific appetite… an urge… for sex. Love is a dopamine driven, passionate motivation for intimacy. Serotonin induced obsession. It takes the desire for sex and focuses it on one person. It’s a powerful emotion, you can't just get over it ... doesn't last more than 18-24 months.

When couples have sex it creates a bonding attachment. Oxytocin and vasopression (cuddles hormone) levels increase with intimacy. It acts like brain glue. So sex increases this bond by releasing these hormones that bond a couple together. Therefore when a couples has sex and separates it causes emotional damage.

(ii) The Worldview of Sex
The world tells you sexual desire is a need,; it’s a right to be experienced. It says  sexual desire is a need a for sex; and an irrepressible urge that must be fed. It is an individual’s right for self gratification. Love is ‘lust’ which is essentially selfish sexual satisfaction - ‘if it feels good do it’.

We need to tell our tweens not to follow world view of sex. Teach then not to treat bodies as commodities

(iii) What’s special about sex?
Sex is powerful, precious and deeply personal. It is an act of deeply private sharing of unique parts of your body.  Sex is pleasurable and the ultimate pleasure is experienced in a safe place where your partner honours you and your body. This is why a relationship of trust and promise keeping (marriage) is the best place for sex.

(iv) What is Sexual Behaviour
Sexting? Still a sexual behaviour
Holding hands, hugging? Can be if aroused,  other times not
Kissing? Yes, arousing
Oral sex,  genital touching? Yes
Anal sex? This is dangerous, leads to health issues
Masturbation?  Hard to do it without lustful / sexual thoughts

Australian Research (2013 on teens in grades 10-12 shows:

• 69% are sexually active in some way 
  
• 40%  experienced oral sex
  
• 23% of year 10; 34% year 11 and 50% of year 12 students had experienced sexual intercourse
  
• 28% of girls and 20% of boys who had experienced sexual intercourse reported an experience of unwanted sex
  

While this is alarming, we can tell out tweens that not everyone is ‘doing it’. They don’t have to bwo to peer group pressure, because the peer group is not a big as they might think it is.

Pornography
Pornography is dangerous. Research shows the average age of children being exposed to pornography is 11 years which means kids much younger than this are being  exposed to it.

What makes it dangerous is the way it influences the development of the brain. Neuro-plasticity of the brain means that viewing pornography normalises tweens brains about sex. It re-writes our brain circuits. It desensitises their (our) brain to normal sex and relationships.

Sadly porn is becoming the main sex educator of tweens. Porn is teaching boys to think girls are sex objects who will do whatever they want and porn sex is normal and girls are accepting it. It’s teaching boys that coercion, force and sexual violence (think 50 Shades of Grey) is normal and okay.  Many girls are now embracing it to give them power over boys.

When talking to tweens about sex we should tell them to wait. Why? For their health – you can have safe sex, but still causing damage because they’re bonding and detaching. Also for their mind – rejection and breaking up is painful; for society - cohabitation does not lead to better marriages; and for their marriage.

Hot Tips

• Be available, approachable & authoritative
  
• Sex is caught and taught – be a role model
  
• Share your beliefs and values - give them a clear identity (in Christ if you are Christian)
• Teach them that sex is more than ‘just sex’ and that life is more than sex
• Watch for teachable moments
  
• Have an aunty/uncle as a ‘back-up’
  
• Be there to pick up the pieces
  

For those interested, Patricia has two books on raising teens and tweens – Teen Sex by the Book and Growing Up by the Book. Both can be purchased online at https://www.cepstore.com.au/.